Steve Brown is a radio personality, author, and seminary lecturer. In a class a few months back he made a statement that was so provocative and startling that it grabbed my imagination by the scruff of the neck and shook it. He was talking about the prisons we make for ourselves and how to unlock them. He said, “Don’t avoid your demons kiss them on the lips. It’s the only way to overcome them (steal their power).” He went on to explain that “kissing” is a metaphor for facing and owning our pain, loss, and failures. The only thing that really allows us to do this is God’s grace (his acceptance and favor based on his love not our worthiness), and the fact that we are told in 2 Co 12:13-14 that His power is made perfect in our weaknesses. This requires that we give testimony to our struggles, not just our successes (which is what we prefer in our pride). This brings the demons into the light. To quote Steve, “Demons die in the light.”
I’m sharing all of this because I, and many of you, are struggling with the demons of our past right now. While they take various forms (pride, fear, exclusion, anger, violence, sexual identity, etc) the salient fact is that God is choosing now to deal with them.
In my own walk it is has been my understanding of and relationship to violence. The journey started with trying to understand the War in Iraq and exploring Just War Theory and Christian Pacifism. The Lord took me from this important (but somewhat theoretical) area and started taking me deeper into my thoughts and practices. I started wrestling with my desires and fears in my role of protector and provider, my love for Martial Arts, my history (an my families history) of soldiering, and my extremely low view of the world we live in (especially my children growing up in this world). He then started calling to mind incidents and occurrences which really shaped my development: moving all the time, always being the new kid, the unintended messages that come with a mother who worked for the Red Cross in Disaster Preparedness and Relief, ugly encounters with strangers at various times growing up. In short, He is revealing the foundations of my fearfulness.
I have dealt with all of these with tears and anger. It has been a very big, very deep, often lonely time. It has been ugly in anger and resentment and rebellion against God. It has been a time of breaking as I have had to struggle with confessing that my kids have become an idle over which I am quite willing to compromise the calling of God, and an agonizing time of repenting and giving them back to God (not that I had them, but that I was acting as if I did).
And I’m still in it. I come in and out of a mild form of despair. I know in my heart that ultimately I will do what I think God is asking me to do, but right now I resent him. I don’t want to do what he is asking of me. I am afraid. And, quite honestly, I’m pretty ticked at him. The ugly truth is that I’m a spoiled, willful, selfish wretch who wants to follow in the antiseptic romance of my imagination, but not in the real world of pain, crucifying the self, and doing His will more than my own.
I weep in heartache over my sin. I weep in helpless rage about a God who calls me to my death (both metaphorically and literally). I get angry over my compromises. I get angry at Him for…well, sometimes no real reason at all. To use Steve Brown’s metaphor I would say that I’m dancing with demons, but I don’t have the courage to kiss them. They are so hideously ugly and I get nauseated knowing that I worship God and confess my love with this same petty, self-indulgent, rebellious mind and heart. But eventually, like a dog on a leash who runs to the length of its rope and gets yanked onto its backside, we sprawl on the ground exhausted and played out, panting, broken, and ready to listen.
I’m sharing all of this not because I particularly like it, but because I know of others struggling. If I know of some I assume there are others I don’t know about. I want you to know that struggling is normal. It’s not particularly noble or neat or clean; but it is a natural part of growing up. What matters is how we do it. We do it knowing we are not condemned, with the help of others in the community, based on our acceptability before God based solely on Christ’s finished work.
My hope is that by going first, that others will be willing to risk exposing their own struggles, to bring those struggles into the light that we might be healed. At the heart of my struggle is just being a human being whom the LORD is transforming and maturing. I wish I was more mature and pliable to the LORD. I wish I could confess to a noble struggle with sin in which I willingly acquiesce but get to keep my dignity. But that is a lie. This reminds me of my other favorite Steve Brown witticism: If you see a dog playing checkers, don’t criticize his game. Be amazed that he plays at all.”
I think that the heart of my struggle in talking about things is because I don’t fully identify my acceptability and righteousness because of Christ’s cross. I still have some false notion of my own contribution. Anyway…
If you’re swimming in the same waters, even if your issue is completely different, please let me know. I would appreciate the chance to compare notes and encourage one another. Who knows, maybe we would even find something to laugh about.
I’ll see you in the Light!
PS This was one of those weird trials that developed its own soundtrack. For those who care about such things check out:
Shinedown: Shed Some Light, Save Me
Stone Sour: ZZyzx Rd, Cardiff, Through Glass
Finger Eleven: Falling On
