I walk in last night and Heather greets me by asking, “How was it?” My response was, “This was the best night at Theology Cafe I have ever had!” “Wow,” she says, “how many people were there?” “No one showed up,” I said laughing. For those of you not familiar with Theology Cafe you can hit the link on the sidebar and check it out. Anyway…
Last night was the continuation of a conversation started last month on the problem of evil and a “good” God. That conversation was theological. This conversation was talking about whether or not we have an obligation to respond to suffering and evil in the world. Rather than talk in the abstract I had prepared to use the modern abolitionist movement and Atlanta’s ranking as the number one city for child prostitution in the US as a practical example.
I was setting up and started talking to a couple of very nice women who were knitting at the coffee shop. I was about a half hour early and we started yakking about the topic. I showed them the 2 minute video clip I was using. One of them left a while later, and the other (who happened to be the manager of the store) sat down to talk. It was time to start, but no one was coming. The staff were busy setting up for open mic night, and no one came for Theology Cafe.
We start talking about spiritual journeys and pathways to God. She started talking about her journey, and how far from God she felt, how mad she was a God, how she wanted to go back into therapy to work some stuff out. I felt hugely honored that she would confide such deep feelings and ideas with me.
As the conversation continued I commented that the hardest thing for Christians to grasp and live out the most basic and important thing about our faith: grace. She shared that she didn’t really understand grace. So we talked.
I was able to share from my own journey how at 18, after I had prayed to receive Christ, that my first crisis of faith was about grace. By then I knew the story of Jesus and about human rebellion and the need for a savior, but as I read more and got to know this Jesus that it made less and less sense to me. The more I read the more amazing and beautiful he became. But I wasn’t fooled about myself or the life I had lived. I wasn’t a serial killer, but I still used people, manipulated, lied, stole, etc.. It became increasingly harder to believe because the deal of me-for-him didn’t make any sense. I remember agonizing about this for a couple of weeks. Almost every minute not in class or studying I was struggling with this incongruity.
Then one night about 11:00 pm with my room-mate off in a lab somewhere, I got it. I was crying out to God about my confusion and unbelief when I heard the lyrics of a song that said, “It’s not because of what I’ve done. It’s not because of who I am, but because of whose I am that he loved me and gave his life for me.” It was like being hit by a lightening bolt. It didn’t make sense to me, because it wasn’t about me. It was about Him - His love, His generosity, His mercy, His grace. If mercy is not getting what you deserve (punishment and death for rebellion against God), grace is getting what you don’t deserve (love, acceptance, forgiveness, favor, etc). Grace is the beauty and magnificence of God revealed to the human soul.
I shared how this was (and is) the singular most amazing revelation I have ever known, and how the rest of my life since then has been the joy and struggle to take this revelation deeper and deeper into my being. It has been a walk of not just believing this at the beginning, but of continuing to believe it as I live and grow and change.
She gave me one of those long stares that says, “I’m considering what you are saying, but I’m not really sure what I think” (or that they think it’s a load of crap, but are too nice to be rude). Either way, she needed to go get ash trays for the tables outside the cafe. I packed up and headed home.
Almost immediately I started to laugh. I was so happy!
Here was a woman that I honestly care about. I have been in and out of the cafe for a couple of years now. We have talked about a lot of things. I genuinely like her and want the best for her life. And out of nowhere I am given the blessing of sharing the best thing I know about this life – the beauty of God in the grace of God.
Will it make a difference? That’s not up to me, nor is it my concern. I have no control (nor do I want the power) to make people believe like me. Grasping grace is the providence of the Holy Spirit alone. What matters is that I was invited in to share it with someone I care about who is struggling.
I am certainly praying for her to understand it in her inner being. But the point is that I got to share. I laughed in delight all the way home. I laughed at the irony of all the preparation that went into this, only to not use any of it like I imagined. I was prepared to talk with others about the emancipation of real slaves and the end of the very real slave trade in 2008. What I ended up sharing was my own emancipation from self into the freedom and glory of God.
I love this life! I love walking it with a God who is in control and who has delights for us that constantly catch us off guard. I hope the next Theology Cafe has folks showing up (the Tuesday afternoon one is usually better attended). But I wouldn’t change this small conversation for a packed room.
Well, an occassional packed room would be nice. <laughing>
