I’m finishing my first ever freelance article for a magazine. It was amazing and fun to do something new. I think I have a new hero in the editor who made my ramblings succinct and coherent (which anyone reading this blog knows is not part of my style!).
The assignment was an interview with a man who wrestled for almost 20 years in ministry with pornography. His story was so much more compelling and interesting than I could do justice to.
The heart of his story is one of brokenness. He lived all of his Christian life trying to control his behavior. He never learned to trust God’s grace and who he is in Christ to the extent that he can trust others with the deep shame and insecurity that was at the center of his being. It’s not that he hid his troubles. He was in accountability and did all the things we are taught to do fight temptation and sin. It’s that his focus was behavior not his fundamental identity about himself.
It took an exhausting 18 years of trying to control to finally give up and admit he was ashamed and scared. At the center of his being he felt like a fraud. Something the pornography both masked and exacerbated.
After being taken to a crisis point of realizing that he might lose everything – wife, family, ministry, reputation – he realized that all he really had was Christ. From here grace could start to penetrate deeper. He could start to accept what the scriptures say about who he is in Christ, why he is in Christ, what discipleship and life are truly all about. They’re not about our looking good and being good, but God’s glory and grace in light of our reality. Not thinking of ourselves more highly than we should lets us respond with genuineness to Christ and invite others to see this amazing Savior who loves even the likes of us. A Savior that truly means what he says and makes us adopted, loved, valued heirs.
This man’s story was one that really blessed my heart and called forth echoes of my own (on-going) journey through shame, insecurity, failure, and fear.
What was weird is that after the interview I found myself remembering a particular song. I wish I could embed the soundtrack into the article if/when it’s published. But then again, I’m not sure a religious magazine would feel comfortable embedding emo-angst songs in their publication. While I’m pretty sure the artists weren’t talking about the battle in a soul confronting God and the self, this is what I hear when I listen to it.
I hear in the song the dark moments of real fear, confusion, hate, disappointment and longing that I have shared with the Lord. One that raises a fist in rage at what life has become only to be broken by his love and the reality of my own inadequacy. Yet in that place of brokenness and burial comes resurrection. The great, awful, horrible, and wonderful fact is that God wants all of our heart and won’t settle for us hiding the bruised or ugly parts. Christ’s love wants these too.
The soundtrack was “The Kill” by 30 Seconds to Mars (you can listen at www.Pandora.com or some other internet radio station if you’d like to). The lyrics are:
“What if I wanted to break? To laugh it all off in your face. What would you do? What if I fell to the floor? Couldn’t take this anymore? What would you do?
Come, break me down. Bury me, bury me. I am finished with you.
What if I want to fight? Beg for the rest of my life? What would you do?
You say you wanted more. What I’m waiting for. I’m not running from you.
Come, break me down. Bury me, bury me. I am finished with you. Look at my eyes. You’re killing me, killing me. All I wanted was you.
I tried to be someone else. But nothing seem to change. I know now this is who I really am inside. Pardon me for myself. Fighting for a chance I know now this is who I really am.
Come break me down. Bury me, bury me. I am finished with you. Look in my eyes. You’re killing me, killing me. All I wanted was you. Come break me down. Break me down. Break me down.
This man said, “Brokenness is a severe gift from God.” If you are one who is trying to live a schizophrenic existence of a polished outside and a screaming inside, please know that there is freedom and life. If we are to truly be a community we have to be a place where we don’t have to compromise some aspects of the truth (our failure and inadequacy) for others (who we are in Christ and how we are called to live).
One of the things I appreciate most about the elders and others the Lord has brought together here is that almost all have a story of bitter loss – dreams, churches, spouses, reputations. They – for the most part – lead from these places.
So here is what I’m asking – ask to hear one of their stories. I would never ask someone struggling with disclosure to take a step they can’t take. So appeal to our egos and ask us about who we are and our struggles. My prayer is that the telling of our hopes, failures, and victories will present the space and the opportunity for you to take a risk, drop your guard, and be real. In the brokenness we find Christ. In brokenness he gives us strength. Through brokenness we are made whole.
Sacred paradoxes. But true.
More weirdness – my play list just played “Save Me” by Shinedown. Don’t worry. I won’t transcribe it. 
